I know exactly how I'm gonna react to the situation. I've been studying me for 20 years. I know how Athirah works. Once I'm all strapped up and standing at the edge I'd be thinking why the hell I really wanted to do this. Lets not get started on my heart, this one I know for sure. It's gonna pound so hard and fast, it'll beat like crazy that I'm gonna feel it in my ears. I'm gonna want to back out but I know I musn't. I have to do this. Have to. Have to. I've been thinking about it for years. I'll try to lose all senses and just go for it and eventually... I will jump. It'll mean so much to me, so much you can't imagine. And that's why the people watching me jump will be the people I really really love because if I can't push myself to do it, I'm gonna do it for them. Not just anyone. I'd wanna see their faces first when I've actually done one of the things I've wanted to do all my life. I really want mom and dad to see this but I don't reckon they'd wanna see their daughter jump of a bridge.
Here's the thing. I'm not that brave. Has always been a weakness. Heights. Driving. Holding bugs. Exam results. There was one time I went to this shop and the owner was holding baby alligators and he wanted me to hold them and I was so freaked out but I'm thinking if I don't touch it I'll be such a wuss and I managed to hold it and the feeling of accomplishment really makes me happy. Yeah I shouldn't reveal much of my fears, you might use it against me lol. Tsk tsk insecurity.
If I do this, I can finally go easy on myself and stop trying to prove to me that I can do something even if that something scares me. It's a deal I made with me. ugh. Thinking about standing at the edge scares me already but contradicting as it is, it's my heart's desire. I'm actually longing to feel that adrenaline rush that I'll get when I'm up there.
Maybe this isn't a big deal for you but it's a really big deal for me if I'm scared to do something. It just is.
just go thirah. i'll be supporting you till the end. :)
ReplyDeleteyeah me too. heck I'll push you if you want to.
ReplyDeleteYou always have. Thanks Hur :D
ReplyDeleteI agree,the satisfaction that comes forth is all the more worth it in the end. And Thirah, no worries. I'm sure your loved ones would be happy for you in any situation you're in :)
ReplyDeleteIka: You're coming with me then :D
ReplyDeleteZalikha: Exactly! Satisfaction :) Wahh thanks buddy
once back there i have a fear.
ReplyDeletei fear corpse.
but that is like when i was 11 years old.
now i'm still afraid of corpse.
but on top of it, i respect them.
i found out that i cant overcome my fear, but replace them i can.. =)
nicely said tept ;) will definitely keep that in mind
ReplyDelete... Of course, given the circumstances that I fear death then I'm prolly gonna have to slit my wrists, swallow some pills and jump of my balcony. Then I can kick death in the balls with God raising one eyebrow at me.... That is your point no?
ReplyDeleteFears are there as a self-preserving mechanism, you overcome that, you're prolly gonna be chatting with the devil while he jams pointy smoldering stuff into you.
i knew someone was gonna bring up death. oh god. wey I just wanna overcome my fear of heights. give me a break ;)
ReplyDelete